Reference Points: The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly

My first Polarity teacher, Diane, made it very clear to us in class that it is very important that we have an ego. And ego keeps us tethered to the planet. This is a good thing as we don't want to be flying off into all sorts of non-gravitational mayhem!

And ego needs reference points on which to stick. We look in the mirror and we say to ourselves things like, "I have brown hair" or "I have green eyes". There are some basic reference points that many of us are comfortable assuming such as height, age, shoe size etc. There are good reasons to have reference points. Reference points tell us a bit of who we are as humans. These reference points help us navigate the social systems such as, "I am a law abiding citizen so I will stop at this red intersection light and wait until it turns green before I step on the gas pedal and drive through the intersection". Or, "I currently am a parent of a little baby who cannot feed herself so I must and will feed her".

We are humans and because of this there are certain reference points that, in general, we all like to live our lives relative to, allowing that different cultures may have some slightly different reference points. As a half Italian/Alberesh woman I find that food is a very important reference point for me. I know who I am relative to my love for good and abundant food. I also know who I am relative to the unexplainable phenomenon

  that I try very hard to make only enough soup for the three people that I am making it for, but somehow when I have finished cooking I have two huge pots of soup. When I make a smoothie inevitably I have to scour the neighborhood as a smoothie pusher because instead of one large glass for myself I have managed, yet again, to make an overabundance, and I have five huge smoothies on the counter. I have no idea how this happens! It is a reference point about me and it also helps others to understand me. "Oh, Mama Mia, that Aileen is cooking. Get ready for her to try to pawn off two trays of lasagna on us!!"

There are many reasons why reference points are really good. They help us associate with one another. "I am a soccer player." "Oh, cool, me too!"

They help us make decisions. "I don't have any money with me and therefore, as someone who is honest, I will not steal that can of tuna." or, speaking of a can of tuna, "I have a great sense of comic wit and therefore I will watch the movie My Cousin Vinny tonight."

An example of an identity reference point that is good took place years ago on Mt. Monadnock in New Hampshire.  I was an adult chaperone on my daughter's fourth grade field trip off island to hike the mountain. My reference point about myself was that I was athletic and strong, good in emergencies, and capable to perform first aid. This reference point, or attachment to a story about myself, was very helpful on that trip. One of the students had tripped and fallen which led to another chaperone yelling for help. I ran over the rocky terrain from the back of the group to get to the yelling that was coming from the front of the group. I accessed the situation, performed some basic first aid, gave this student a piggy back ride three quarters of the way down, and then finished helping her with the rest of the rescue crew that met up with us, carrying her  in a kit down the jagged and narrow trail. This reference point to and about myself enabled me to be a non-anxious presence. My ego truly served a very important purpose in that situation. 

There are also reasons why reference points can be "bad". This could be when we assume things about ourselves and others in which we create expectations or beliefs that are not accurate.

This 50s dress is cooler than mine!

I remember being pregnant with my first daughter. Many reference points were yoinked from underneath me. I had been a pretty funky bohemian type dresser in college. I liked having fun with clothes. I had plenty of short skirts and skorts, crazy tights, low ankle suede boots, and a black beret I wore often. When I became pregnant in 1984 the maternity clothes were still looking pretty 1950s. I had a breakdown in the maternity store because I believed that I needed, as a 20 year old, to dress like a "Mother". I actually bought a pink body tent that had a white angled collar and big white neck bow. I was completely confused as to what clothes to wear now that there was a baby growing inside my body!

We also can run into problems with reference points if we hold on to them past their need or appropriateness.  I began January of 1984 as a fun loving, going out to the pub and dancing college student. By the end of March of that year I was a married person and by October I was a married person with a newborn baby. I could have stayed attached to my identity as a nineteen year old free and fun college student. My reference points as someone who went to The Pub or happy hour at Delano's or even rode my bicycle late at night from a waitressing job in town to a retail job at the mall and then back again to work the bar until close were no longer viable. I had no reference points for a while and my identity hung in limbo. It would have been "bad" had I refused to release my pre-married and pre-baby identity and reference points. In that situation I would have been nursing my child after drinking a few pints of Bass Ale, coming home at 1 a.m. and being hungover for the next day. This is not something that I wanted for my daughter. I had to change who I thought I was and that was difficult on such short notice!

Believe it or not, reference points can get very "Ugly" and by this I mean really painful and damaging. When a child comes into this world and has a self identity and related reference points which are contrary to the social views or norms, this can lead to a long life of personal trauma.

When people have a strong perception of who they are and what they do, if these things are taken away from them due to an accident, an illness, an intense change such as divorce, job loss, or aging, they can feel a hopeless and helpless loss. They may feel there is no reason to continue living. Pema Chodron wrote a beautiful book that begins when her husband came home one day and told her that he was divorcing her. When Things Fall Apart is a valuable resource to deal with the "ugly" part of reference points. When we lose all sense of who we are, what is safe, what is real, and deeply question how the world works, there are three paths we can take: 1. Leave 2. Block feelings through several methods 3. Transform.
Her book gently offers wisdom to take what is behind door number 3 and Transform our lives into a more authentic experience.
Regardless of which path one takes during a traumatic reference point change, deep sorrow and suffering will occur.

I remember years ago hearing about the suicide death of a recently retired Episcopal minister. He had been an active parish minister his entire life and in his mid 80s he retired from active ministry. His friends and family noticed how despondent he became, and quite quickly. Within three months he killed himself. This clearly is when our attachment to reference points and self identity gets ugly.

When young people injure themselves and consider (or complete) suicide because they are gay, lesbian, bi-sexual, or transgendered or they don't fit a generalized norm of gender roles or identity, this also is clearly a response to the ugly side of social reference points and identity.

Any time we use external reference points to shame ourselves, hide ourselves, and/or injure ourselves, our reference points to who we are and how we relate to the world are inaccurate and need some serious life saving modifications.

Today could be a wonderful first day to begin looking at our self identity and the reference points that we use to know who we and who others are in our lives. Are we super attached to something about ourselves? Are we indescribably attached to others? Do we engage in the world based on authentic freedom or are we looking around for reference points that then we use to tell us who we are or who we should be?

Today is a great opportunity to look at the Good, the Bad, and the Ugly of our own reference points as well as those that we uphold for others and society at large. Perhaps it is time to make some changes to the reference points of humanity...let's do it!