The Ever Non-Efficient Assumptions

“Assumptions are dangerous things to make, and like all dangerous things to make -- bombs, for instance, or strawberry shortcake -- if you make even the tiniest mistake you can find yourself in terrible trouble. Making assumptions simply means believing things are a certain way with little or no evidence that shows you are correct, and you can see at once how this can lead to terrible trouble. For instance, one morning you might wake up and make the assumption that your bed was in the same place that it always was, even though you would have no real evidence that this was so. But when you got out of your bed, you might discover that it had floated out to sea, and now you would be in terrible trouble all because of the incorrect assumption that you'd made. You can see that it is better not to make too many assumptions, particularly in the morning.”
― Lemony Snicket, The Austere Academy 

Just today I experienced an interesting production of "Assumptions". My son, Dana, and I went to the local country store to browse about and get a refill on the vinegar that they sell out of a big tin. After three unsuccessful intentional walks about the store to find the tin, I walked to the counter to ask if they still carried it. I had the original bottle in my hand, and having refilled the bottle for several years at this country store, I was ready for the usual experience. The bottle that I had was one that I first bought the vinegar in many years ago in Maine. The country store employee always informs me that my bottle is bigger than their bottle and therefore I must pay double the refill price to get my bottle filled to the top. This is how I expected the interaction to go, as it always did.

I approached the counter as my son pointed out the tin, which is located next to a bigger olive oil tin. Both tins are identical in color, shape, and label. The distinguishing differences being the vinegar tin is smaller and has grapes on the label whereas the oil tin has olives on the label. The woman at the counter asked if she could help me. "Yes", I responded, "I would like a refill of the balsamic vinegar" as I pointed to the tin.  And off she went.

As she returned to the counter to the register I noticed the bottle looked greenish and oily. "Excuse me", I spoke up, "I asked for vinegar."

What ensued was the most assumption laden experience of my life. She began by telling me over and over again that my glass bottle was more like one that should be used for oil. She actually was blaming the bottle, which had a label that exactly matched the balsamic vinegar label on the tin, for her error in not listening to me. She had taken my bottle, and based on some information in her head and experience, ignored what I actually asked for as well as the actual label on the bottle.

She then called over a woman that I believe was a manager and said, "If you saw this bottle, what would you put in it?" The other woman didn't answer at first, so the first woman asked again, "So, when you look at this bottle, and you were refilling it, what would you refill it with?" The second woman answered, "Oil." The first woman was justified.

My son and I stood almost opened mouthed as the women continued to talk about what they assumed as opposed to talking to me.

"Well, this bottle now has oil in it. I don't know how I can wash it out."
"You could not have gotten this refilled here."
"You got a great deal on this every time when you got this refilled."
"What can we do with this oil?"
"Just give her one little vinegar bottle because that is our refill size."

Even as I attempted to get into the conversation about my purchase, they continued to not listen to me. I tried to explain that I knew my bottle was exactly double the size of their refillable bottles and so I always happily pay twice the amount listed on the tin. In fact, I think I said that four times to no avail. My son and I watched as two women were indignant that I expected to pay only the price for a small refill for a refill of my big bottle, which they insisted I could never use there, and should never have used there, and actually, how could I really have ever gotten vinegar there with that bottle, and what a great deal did I got if I did.

Watching them was almost painful as they went around and around, insisting that there was no resolution to my ignorance. Finally they decided that they would take my big bottle filled with oil, trying also to take my pouring spout that was in it. They would give me two small bottles of vinegar. They would give me a great deal and instead of charging me $11.99 for each new bottle or $8.99 for each bottle treating it as a refill, they would take my well loved bottle and spout, and charge me $16.00, giving me a $2.00 deal.

Their assumptions did not end with me explaining yet again, that I fully expected to pay $17.98 to get my large bottle refilled. The second woman started to walk away with my now old bottle and spout when I spoke up, "That is my pouring spout and I would like it." She looked at me and replied, "That won't fit those bottles." My son, who had been patiently waiting alongside me throughout this debacle spoke up, "Actually, that will fit no problem." Unimpressed, the employee walked back towards us, took off the cap, and held the spout over the opening. "The vinegar will leak out if I try to put this in..." she snapped. Dana calmly responded, "It fits. Stoppers and pouring spout sizes have been standardized to fit."

Once in the car, we had to rest for a moment. The confusion and swirling energy of the insanity was almost too much for us. "They made that way too difficult," Dana finally spoke, "They were STRUGGLIN'!"

My son and I spent over ten minutes in this tormented assumption hell. I certainly spent time reflecting on the times when I assumed something. I wondered if I ever behaved this same way as the store employees.  In spite of someone trying to tell me differently, had I ever insisted on being attached to my assumptions, even if there were details and data to back up their point.

It was really clear in today's episode that is it such a waste of time ,energy, and good feelings when one is adamantly assuming.

“If others tell us something we make assumptions, and if they don't tell us something we make assumptions to fulfill our need to know and to replace the need to communicate. Even if we hear something and we don't understand we make assumptions about what it means and then believe the assumptions. We make all sorts of assumptions because we don't have the courage to ask questions.”
― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom

“Every time we make assumptions about what other people feel, do or think, we imprison them and us in a separate reality. When we believe in those assumptions and act accordingly, this separate reality becomes an existential torture chamber for them and ultimately for us. All the terror and pain that we experience or see in the world is the result of our assumptions. Assumptions are the greatest crime in human consciousness. Hence let's start to create an assumption-free world.”
― Franco Santoro  

Today is a first day to begin observing assumptions in yourself and others. Take note when you get caught saying to yourself, "Hey, I wouldn't have expected that..." or "I would have never guessed..." Notice when you give push back to other people's words, opinions, and perspectives. Also be open to your own assumptions about yourself, "I could never do that..." or "They would never accept me.."

Being caught in assuming doesn't have to be shaming, as we all do it. 

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May today be A First Day to Begin releasing yourself and others from assumptions...or at least enjoy laughing about the assumptions you make.

* The Assumption Song was posted on YouTube 5 years ago and at the time of this blog's posting had 25, 761, 748 views.