How Do I Elfing Love Myself?

That is the question that I hear the most. "I know that I can't love someone else if I don't love myself first. I know that loving myself is the most important thing to do...but I have no idea where or how to start!!"

Well, in 1987 author Chery Hartman and illustrator R.W. Alley wrote some "Elf-Help" books.

1. Trust Yourself. You know what you want and need.

Hmmm..Is this true?  Dear little Trust Yourself Elf, You Know What You Want and Need,

Yeaya, like that was a good idea!!

Um, no. No I don't. In fact I have no idea what I want and need. Sometimes I think I want and need a big honkin' crappy candy bar. Or maybe a few hours of brain numbing television. Or to go back into an old crummy one sided relationship. Or maybe for some, going out to throw back a few...that turns in to too many. Sometimes I think an entire bag of Cape Cod potato chips is what I want and need. Some people think they want and need a few hours of abusive exercise. Maybe it is a call to that emotionally abusive parent...just to check in.

How the heck are we suppose to even know what we want and need? And that is number one of the Elfing Wisdom?!

Well, I think we are suppose to find out. I think maybe our Elf friends are trying to say that maybe we should give ourselves some time, and space, and opportunity to try to trust ourselves and find out what we want and need. Just try.

I took little Mr. Trust Yourself Elf to task when I planned a trip to Colorado in the summer of 2011. I decided that I wanted to see what I would do if I was alone on a trip. Sure I could arrange, organize, motivate, and facilitate a week long trip for twenty teenagers with minimal time to plan. That was simple.

I would figure out what the point of the trip was, what experiences might these youth want to have, and throw in Howard Gardner's Multiple Intelligence Theory to plan diverse activities.http://www.literacyworks.org/mi/assessment/findyourstrengths.html

Now what about a trip for me?! What was the point of my trip? Well, I thought I ought to go on a trip alone with no one else, just to see what would happen. I wanted to get brave alone and not in a role as a mother, partner, teacher, chaperone, adviser, or coach. Just "me", right, Trust Yourself Elf?

Booking the trip was easy and I had people to visit at the end of the trip down in New Mexico. I did not totally leave myself open to a full trip alone with myself, which was a very good thing.

I flew into Denver and after baggage claim and car rental work, I made my way to the hotel. My GPS directed me soundly to the place. I checked in and went to my room. Once in my room I unpacked and got settled in, which took me all of about ten minutes. And there I was. Okay, now. There I was, in a hotel room, in Denver, Colorado, on my grand big girl adventure. Hhhmmmm....

Well, hhhmmmmm....

Okay....hmmmmm.....

Ahhh...hhhhhmmm...grand adventure...you can start at any time!!

Truth was: I had absolutely no idea how to choose what to do with my time; there were no children to figure out how to meet their needs, there was no social action mission trip agenda, there was no sports to play, no "Plimouth Plantation" to see as a class field trip. I was lost. Completely, utterly, empty of any thoughts and devoid of any ability to take a next step. This was an entirely new experience for me as I like to run things. I can run anything - spaghetti dinners, fundraisers, interfaith youth group parties, parent and teacher associations. That is what I do...I run things. I plan and execute things. I make things happen, by golly!

And there I sat. Empty brained and alone in Denver Colorado...for three days.

I finally motivated myself enough to go downstairs and grab some of those tourist brochures from the racks. There was also one of those thick magazines that was all about what to do in Denver and the surrounding areas. Well, that would keep me busy, and seemed awfully smart of a thing to do. I would sit on my bed and learn about Denver and pick some very cool and fun things to do for myself. Yes, me, just me.

Three hours later I had circled, underlined, and rewritten on the hotel pad a large selection of possible activities for myself. There were a few museums, and art galleries, and some shops that were of interest.

Five hours after that I had circled, underlined, and rewritten on another hotel pad a smaller selection of possible activities for myself.

While in Denver, Colorado, I visited a botanical garden and ate at two different restaurants. That was about all I could muster.

Happily I left Denver, and drove miles through a raging black fire cloud into Taos, New Mexico. The rest of my trip was filled with meeting new people and enjoying many new adventures, in the company of others.

So how do I Elfing love myself? How do any of us Elfing love ourselves? We take ourselves away from all we know and start finding out what we want and what we need. And then we trust ourselves to start making those things happen...for us.