There She Goes, The After Dinner Pooper....

and it wasn't that my family was incorrect. It is true, after formal family dinners when Dad was home I would immediately announce that I had to poop. I would stay in the bathroom for about an hour.

But here's the point, I only excused myself because I didn't fit in. Our families of origin were our first systems by which we tried to find our value. We bounced our behaviors and selves off of our first families and we reacted and modified who we were and what we did based on the feedback we got from this original system.

In my family I was confused. They were living a fairly stereotypical gender role life style. I was not. After dinner the "females" would clean up the table and kitchen. UGH...that had absolutely no appeal to me! The "males" would go into the other room and talk science and brainy stuff. Now that was what I wanted! That made sense to me...let's talk about new ideas, reflect on nature, galaxies, and the latest inventions.

Well, my dad and brother didn't look this ridiculous! 

It just felt that way!

It was expected that I would clean up the meal. At first I took a position as the table clearer so I could take my time and wander in to the living room in an attempt to engage, even briefly, with my father and brother. Because I was suppose to be cleaning, my ideas were ignored and I was shut out of the conversation by the "men" in the family. I soon realized that I didn't belong in this gender divide. I was miserable, so, with quick thinking I knew I could escape this foreign land by calling on the only thing that was excusable...I had to poop. To this day, forty plus years later, after a big family meal, my siblings will  taunt me and ask if I have to poop. Now I can talk science AND help clean up, which is good because I don't think my old legs could handle an hour now on the toilet without going completely numb.

It is so important that each of us reflects on the first system in which we needed to find acceptance. Not only did we need to feel love and a sense of belonging, but our very existence of survival depended upon our ability to have our parents own us enough to give us food and shelter. As children we had very real fears about basic survival needs. We knew these adults that we lived with were the only way we could be sure to stay alive. We learned to adapt, find approval, and often times

create a false persona. Some of us created a mask, or several masks, to show the world. Sometimes we had no idea who we were behind the mask because we just didn't have the time or safety to find out.

Maybe you were a "pretty good girl"...

or maybe you were a "strong tough boy"...

No matter what you created to please your family and get fed, it was a construct. You did an amazing job to navigate the world of approval and react accordingly.

And guess what? You don't have to do that anymore. It is safe to slowly peel off the masks and discover who you really are.

Many of us have created entire worlds based on who we thought we were. It seemed very very real to us to be a particular person with particular beliefs. If our True Being has been repressed, then it is time to offer an olive branch and begin to lovingly make peace with who we really are while simultaneously having gratitude for the world that we built that kept us safe.

It can feel difficult or overwhelming to own our True Self. We have old fears that rise up. We look around and wonder if we will completely disappoint those around us. Anxiety and panic can grip our chests. These feelings are only the gateway that we must walk through as we release our attachment to a world system based on fear. What will happen to us, we may wonder. Will we have family, friends, money, food, love?
Sometimes our family and friends do turn away because they feel that they have been betrayed. Give them time. Sometimes the world in which you build a foundation of reference was never a fit and those people will fall away because they just have to. New family and friends will arrive. Black sheep find each other. Kindred Spirits collect in those beautiful places where we can soar, be loved, and know we are lovable. Freedom of Truth of who you are is what will change this world. Being in your open expanding brilliant self and living confidently and proudly from that place is what the world needs right now. That is how we turn the tide. So please do.

"Sittin in this lonely town wonderin when things are gonna change
Dreamin my life away and it seems them dreams they turned into a bunch of dust clouds

Gettin my nerve up but my past is pullin me down
wonderin how long this black sheep can stick around
Somebody told me once before

you can never go home again once you leave
say anything just to steer me away from the truth of what I who I am and what I believe
So I thanked him for his two cents
with a shake and some sympathy
and I packed up my blue jeans and I headed for the big prize
of my freedom

Bye bye black sheep
black sheep of the family
Bye bye black sheep how that means so much to me
Bye bye to my friends and to my family
bye bye black sheep goin off and set my soul set it free

Times they were changin I did just a little re-arrangin
take a couple chances my progress it advances
to that prize of my freedom

It's written in the stars that steel bars never will a prison cell make
once I find that sweet home or a place I like to call home anyway
some people will say I'm crazy singin out loud like I do here on the street

when I got A song I sing it out loud and if you don't like that my friend
well I'm gonna say to you
Bye bye black sheep
black sheep of the family
Bye bye black sheep how that means so much to me
Bye bye to my friends and to my family
bye bye black sheep goin off and set my soul set it free..."


Take your time and excuse yourself from where you don't fit. If you don't know quite how to do that, just tell them that you have to poop.

What Say This Paradigm Shift?!

Ahhh...The tipping point has been reached. We are doing a "new thing" as a human species and it is both awesome and discombobulating!

Years ago I was working in a nursing home. I loved my job there. I created and facilitated activities. There was a Christian Chaplain there who would work with the residents and offered some services.

One day I was standing next to a new resident who had come from Norway. She was a large hardy woman and she spoke no English. Her family flew her to the United States to take care of her. She was in a wheelchair. She was sobbing and crying as I walked by her, so I stopped. She looked up at me and then reached out to touch my white dress. She pulled the skirted part to her face and blew her nose in it. I didn't care. What was the value of a dress that could be washed relative to the value of being present for a woman who was suffering so greatly. As this woman blew her nose and wiped her eyes in my dress, I turned slightly to see the chaplain looking at me, almost in shock. Our eyes met, and then he scurried away.

A few weeks later just he and I were at a lunch table in the employee cafeteria.

"I saw what you did for Mrs. (X)", he noted to me. I acknowledged that he was talking to me while I kept eating. He continued speaking, "That was a very Christian thing to do, but you're not Christian are you?"

I felt very comfortable with this man as well as with the religious association that I was an active part of at that time. "I am a Unitarian Universalist", I shared with him.

He began talking to me about his experiences and all of his learning. He told me why everything he discovered had brought him to confirm Christianity. I told him that everything I had learned brought me to confirm the mystery and as a UU I could continue the discovery in a very expansive, open way.

Our conversation was both meaningful and pointless. Finally he told me that because he liked me so much, he wanted me to be saved. If I could accept Jesus as my one and only Savior then I could be saved. I could feel his genuine love and concern for me. I felt honored and cared for because this man wanted me to experience safety, eternal freedom, and extreme love. I thanked him sincerely for wanting me to be saved. This seemed to frustrate him even more. I authentically acknowledged his loving offering, even though I wasn't going to participate in his system's criteria. We ended the lunch in this way:

Alan the Chaplain: "I don't understand this. You are walking away happy with out conversation. You feel good because I care about you and you understand that. You enjoyed our conversation and you feel great about everything."
Me: "Yes, that sounds about right."
Alan the Chaplain: " But I am frustrated and sad that you won't accept Jesus. I am leaving here feeling worse then when I came in. All day today this is going to bother me. "
Me: "Yes, that seems true."

And then we parted ways to go back to work.

This is the new paradigm reality. Systems are no longer going to keep us limited nor do we have to qualify our value by external systems. Those people attached strongly to any system are going to feel sad and frustrated. People who can live in the open mystery and yes, fly by the seat of their pants, are going to enjoy life and be happy. The new paradigm shift says, "Be Happy".

This chaplain was having great difficulty accepting me and my behaviors in a free form. He had to find some way to explain me through the system in which he had chosen to fully engage with...the lens through which he saw the world.

This has happened to me often. As someone who was diagnosed as "hyperactive" at age three, it is very difficult for me to stay confined in any way. It is also difficult for me to filter myself and not talk about systems and programs that try to keep me or others confined! This is why I am very excited for this new paradigm!

WE ARE WALKING AWAY FROM THE CONFINEMENT OF SYSTEMS! This does not mean that there is no order or sense of community. This simply means that the brainwashing, the hiding one's true self, the hierarchy, and abusive power over others is finally getting the boot! SEE YA!!!

I remember when the "consensus" process came in as a way of decision making. This is different than voting with a majority ruling getting its way. Consensus is about discussion, collaboration, and listening. There are two ways to block a decision that is made through consensus - preference and principle. If a group of people is ordering a pizza and they decide on a sausage pizza, someone can block that decision on preference, which is that they are okay with sausage however, they would prefer ham. In this case, the group would revisit and ask if this person would be okay with sausage, acknowledging that ham is his or her first choice. The other way that a decision can be blocked is by principle. For example, if someone was a vegetarian, and even if he or she was one of twelve people and all eleven wanted sausage, he or she can block that decision by stating that he or she is a vegetarian.  On principle, he or she cannot eat sausage. The group would then probably chose a vegetarian pizza or work together to make sure the vegetarian was satisfied by ordering specific appropriate food for her or his needs. The majority doesn't win and neither do the bullies- Just loving thoughtful inclusive collaboration. New Paradigm here we come!

People of all ages are choosing to be happy. We no longer want to feel crappy about ourselves because we don't meet some standard of criteria from a system; not thin enough, not smart enough, not enough money, not in rhythm enough, not fast enough, not wearing the right shoes. We have rebelled and we will continue rebelling. Our happiness is not contingent on the acceptance of an external system created out of fearful control of the masses. We don't need to be controlled, we need to be free!  Our woundedness is what what makes us do hurtful things in society and our woundedness comes from a punishing society. So we are all walking away. 

What does this Paradigm shift say? It says don't be disgusted with yourself, or ashamed, or embarrassed. It says to seek joy, and authenticity, and love. It says rejoice in who you are and in who others are. It catapults us into the revolution of speaking the truth to come together, not tear us apart. The new paradigm builds us up, it does not destroy the unique beauty of who we are.

The new paradigm shift says that this is the time of the Happiness Revolution! The Revolution of the Spirit!

We are doing this thing! Hop aboard! It is the only real thing going!

How Do I Elfing Love Myself?

That is the question that I hear the most. "I know that I can't love someone else if I don't love myself first. I know that loving myself is the most important thing to do...but I have no idea where or how to start!!"

Well, in 1987 author Chery Hartman and illustrator R.W. Alley wrote some "Elf-Help" books.

1. Trust Yourself. You know what you want and need.

Hmmm..Is this true?  Dear little Trust Yourself Elf, You Know What You Want and Need,

Yeaya, like that was a good idea!!

Um, no. No I don't. In fact I have no idea what I want and need. Sometimes I think I want and need a big honkin' crappy candy bar. Or maybe a few hours of brain numbing television. Or to go back into an old crummy one sided relationship. Or maybe for some, going out to throw back a few...that turns in to too many. Sometimes I think an entire bag of Cape Cod potato chips is what I want and need. Some people think they want and need a few hours of abusive exercise. Maybe it is a call to that emotionally abusive parent...just to check in.

How the heck are we suppose to even know what we want and need? And that is number one of the Elfing Wisdom?!

Well, I think we are suppose to find out. I think maybe our Elf friends are trying to say that maybe we should give ourselves some time, and space, and opportunity to try to trust ourselves and find out what we want and need. Just try.

I took little Mr. Trust Yourself Elf to task when I planned a trip to Colorado in the summer of 2011. I decided that I wanted to see what I would do if I was alone on a trip. Sure I could arrange, organize, motivate, and facilitate a week long trip for twenty teenagers with minimal time to plan. That was simple.

I would figure out what the point of the trip was, what experiences might these youth want to have, and throw in Howard Gardner's Multiple Intelligence Theory to plan diverse activities.http://www.literacyworks.org/mi/assessment/findyourstrengths.html

Now what about a trip for me?! What was the point of my trip? Well, I thought I ought to go on a trip alone with no one else, just to see what would happen. I wanted to get brave alone and not in a role as a mother, partner, teacher, chaperone, adviser, or coach. Just "me", right, Trust Yourself Elf?

Booking the trip was easy and I had people to visit at the end of the trip down in New Mexico. I did not totally leave myself open to a full trip alone with myself, which was a very good thing.

I flew into Denver and after baggage claim and car rental work, I made my way to the hotel. My GPS directed me soundly to the place. I checked in and went to my room. Once in my room I unpacked and got settled in, which took me all of about ten minutes. And there I was. Okay, now. There I was, in a hotel room, in Denver, Colorado, on my grand big girl adventure. Hhhmmmm....

Well, hhhmmmmm....

Okay....hmmmmm.....

Ahhh...hhhhhmmm...grand adventure...you can start at any time!!

Truth was: I had absolutely no idea how to choose what to do with my time; there were no children to figure out how to meet their needs, there was no social action mission trip agenda, there was no sports to play, no "Plimouth Plantation" to see as a class field trip. I was lost. Completely, utterly, empty of any thoughts and devoid of any ability to take a next step. This was an entirely new experience for me as I like to run things. I can run anything - spaghetti dinners, fundraisers, interfaith youth group parties, parent and teacher associations. That is what I do...I run things. I plan and execute things. I make things happen, by golly!

And there I sat. Empty brained and alone in Denver Colorado...for three days.

I finally motivated myself enough to go downstairs and grab some of those tourist brochures from the racks. There was also one of those thick magazines that was all about what to do in Denver and the surrounding areas. Well, that would keep me busy, and seemed awfully smart of a thing to do. I would sit on my bed and learn about Denver and pick some very cool and fun things to do for myself. Yes, me, just me.

Three hours later I had circled, underlined, and rewritten on the hotel pad a large selection of possible activities for myself. There were a few museums, and art galleries, and some shops that were of interest.

Five hours after that I had circled, underlined, and rewritten on another hotel pad a smaller selection of possible activities for myself.

While in Denver, Colorado, I visited a botanical garden and ate at two different restaurants. That was about all I could muster.

Happily I left Denver, and drove miles through a raging black fire cloud into Taos, New Mexico. The rest of my trip was filled with meeting new people and enjoying many new adventures, in the company of others.

So how do I Elfing love myself? How do any of us Elfing love ourselves? We take ourselves away from all we know and start finding out what we want and what we need. And then we trust ourselves to start making those things happen...for us.