And What About Our Mourning...

A friend asked me about advice for mourning. It brought up images of mourning for the loss of a person in our life as well as the loss of hope with life. I thought of the grieving that must occur when we have a significant loss of even a set of beliefs about who we are in this life experience.

"To spare oneself from grief at all cost can be achieved only at the price of total detachment, which excludes the ability to experience happiness."

- Eric Fromm

People mourn in different ways and for different reasons. The feelings of mourning or grieving are important. The first experience is typically shock and numbness. This reaction exists not only when we find out about a death that greatly impacts us, but it can also be when we believe that hope and faith in a particular way of life is gone. We can grieve the loss of a job, our ability to walk, and a political or global situation.

“Someday you're gonna look back on this moment of your life as such a sweet time of grieving. You'll see that you were in mourning and your heart was broken, but your life was changing...” 

Elizabeth Gilbert

As humans we have egos. Egos are what keep us from spiraling off the planet. We need them. Egos tell us which house we live in, how to buy eggs and fruit, what clothes to wear, and so many other things that help us to function and identify ourselves relative to the world. 

We attach to these Ego perceptions. We attach to the people and pets in our lives that we love and that we perceive have value to us and to our beliefs. We attach to things about ourselves such as looks, skills, and abilities that we perceive have value to us. We can attach to beliefs, hopes, and standards for how the world should work and what we value in society. When the status of any of these changes without our preparation, we first feel the detachment from this person, our self identity, or society. This is jarring! It can feel as if a limb has been torn off us. To a degree, this is true.

We all have Chakras or energy vortexes. These Chakras have a strong relationship with things around us that we attach to.   The end of these cone shaped vortexes envelope and have a real exchange with the energy of a person, our beliefs, and society. When something is taken away from that Chakra, we experience it deeply. Think of when a bandaid is torn off of our skin. At the very first moment it is not felt, however shortly afterwards it can be extremely painful. The pain of loss can seem unbearable at times. None of us should judge the level of pain, the validity of the pain, or the duration of the pain that comes with mourning; not for ourselves and not for others. This is a unique journey.

 After the shock subsides, sometimes we physically see bright lights and lose our sight. We can fall to our knees and sob uncontrollably. We can vomit, shake, run as fast and as far as we can to now where...just away. We can even act like nothing just happened. We can put the trash out. We can take on extra hours at work. We can choose to avoid making any changes to our lives. Any way that we react to our loss and any way that we experience our mourning is beyond an understanding of planning how to be in the world. We just don't know what we will feel, for how long, or the evolution of the process, until we are in it.

One of the most challenging aspects of mourning and grieving is that it is not usually evident on our bodies like a broken arm. The pain and suffering is real, however it is difficult to "categorize" because emotional pain is invisible. We do not often give or receive the level of compassion, care, and respite that is necessary for a healthy grieving process.

“It was a fine cry - loud and long - but it had no bottom and it had no top, just circles and circles of sorrow.” 

-Tony Morrison

Could anyone truly "move on" from the construction of the Berlin Wall?

We must protect our grieving. We must consider ourselves in the Intensive Care Unit of a hospital...a hospital of wholeness. Others cannot see our mourning in the way that it is so obvious to us. And after a time, they may want us to "move on". which of course there is no such thing. That is a linear assumption. There is no moving on past a great loss, there is transformation through a great loss. 

No, the country, the world, the people could not end their grieving for all those years, until they smashed it down.

 Mourning a loss and the subsequent changes to our Egos is riddled with emotions. We must experience these emotions so that the energy can flow out and through us. We have an undetermined process at hand, and we must ride the river that we have found ourselves upon. If we do not fully immerse ourselves in our grieving process, addictions, anger, illness, and other reactions will not only rob us of this life experience in the moments of the grieving, but everything thereafter.

“It was too perfect to last,' so I am tempted to say of our marriage. But it can be meant in two ways. It may be grimly pessimistic - as if God no sooner saw two of His creatures happy than He stopped it ('None of that here!'). As if He were like the Hostess at the sherry-party who separates two guests the moment they show signs of having got into a real conversation. But it could also mean 'This had reached its proper perfection. This had become what it had in it to be. Therefore of course it would not be prolonged.' As if God said, 'Good; you have mastered that exercise. I am very pleased with it. And now you are ready to go on to the next.”

 - C.S. Lewis

What advice can be given about mourning? To do it, that is the best advice. To mourn the loss. To mourn the confusion to our Egos, whose job it is to keep us stable in a world of ever changing energy. Be kind to ourselves. Do grieving well by standing firm in its existence. And when the last salt is tasted from our tears, release all that we held so tightly, turn it over to the Divine, and open our hearts and arms to Love, Trust, Faith, and New Potential...sending a kiss of gratitude to guide what has passed into the new energy of its own light.

May Today be a First Day to Begin honoring our mourning and grieving. May we know that the transformation of our lives will be safe, even during the most painful times of shock and sadness. May Today be a First Day to Begin to accept this process of mourning. May we respect the work that is necessary for our Chakras to heal, for our heart to find its solace, and for our Egos to find new balance. We may not see or know the mourning of others and they may not see or know of ours, however it is real and it exists. It is ours and may we find the self love necessary to ask for help, receive support, and see the guidance that will surely be present.