Talking Nice to Ourselves

How much time do we spend talking nice to and about ourselves?

What would you look like getting all fired up about how great you are? What about getting fired up about how great your life is? What if you got up and looked at yourself in the mirror and just let it rip?

HA! I think we ALL should get in our underwear, some of us can get up on our sinks and others of us probably should not, look at ourselves, and just go wild crazy positive on ourselves!

The other morning I was letting my dogs outside and I flicked my tongue against a set of back molars. Ugh, I realized that I had forgotten to floss the night before. This is important to me because: A. I LOVE to floss,  B. I always get huge positive chatter from my dental hygienist as such a good flosser, C. I totally need to floss that section.

In the past I may have gotten all down on myself and, over even a little thing like forgetting to floss one night, I could have spent an hour insulting myself. That one little "let down" about myself could have spiraled into the reason that I would never accomplish my goals to my perfect satisfaction...if I can't even remember to floss one tiny section of my teeth...what good am I?

“If you celebrate your differentness, the world will, too. It believes exactly what you tell it—through the words you use to describe yourself, the actions you take to care for yourself, and the choices you make to express yourself. Tell the world you are one-of-a-kind creation who came here to experience wonder and spread joy. Expect to be accommodated.”
― Victoria Moran, Lit From Within: Tending Your Soul For Lifelong Beauty 

I wonder how each of us would feel if throughout our days we only spoke nicely to ourselves. I actually began doing that many years ago when I discovered what I said to myself when my expectations of another person did not match the reality of who or what they did. When I would be "let down" by someone else, I would say to myself, "I am soooo stupid. I should have known." I caught myself telling myself over and over again, "I am so stupid."

“The most influential and frequent voice you hear is your inner-voice. It can work in your favor or against you, depending on what you listen to and act upon.”
― Maddy Malhotra, How to Build Self-Esteem and Be Confident: Overcome Fears, Break Habits, Be Successful and Happy

"Eekgads", I thought to myself one day, "That is not very nice!" I prided myself in being a kind, positive support out in the world. I would NEVER EVER have told someone that they were stupid, especially in the continuous way that I badgered myself with this judgement. If I commit to being a kind talker, well then I must be a kind talker, even if it is to me!

The only person who can pull me down is myself, and I'm not going to let myself pull me down anymore.”
― C. JoyBell C.

Soon I replaced my reaction to disappointed expectations with something entirely different. When I felt that anger feeling start to rush up my body, and then the accompanying sadness, I would begin to comfort myself. "It is okay, Aileen", I would lovingly say to myself. "It is wonderful that you stretched to trust." That was a starting point of good self talk. Soon, whenever I would do something myself that was in conflict with my own expectations of my behaviors, I would lovingly comment to myself, "Look at how cute you are. Of course you would do that because that is what you do. And some day you may not do it that way. This is good now and that will be good then, when it is time to do it differently. See, Aileen? All is well."

"it may help to remember this great line of Geneen Roth's: that awareness is learning to keep yourself company. And then learn to be more compassionate company, as if you were somebody you are fond of and wish to encourage. I doubt that you would read a close friend's early efforts and, in his or her presence, roll your eyes and snicker. I doubt that you would pantomime sticking your finger down your throat. I think you might say something along the lines of, 'Good for you. We can work out some of the problems later, but for now, full steam ahead!”
― Anne Lamott, Bird by Bird: Some Instructions on Writing and Life 

There are many different ways to learn and execute a more loving and kind talking pattern to yourself. You can make that list of all your wonderful talents and say it back to yourself. You can spontaneously look in the mirror at yourself and shout out all the things you like and love, including things about yourself. You can have an intention, like the greatest Private Eye ever, and catch yourself talking negative and mean to yourself. After you catch yourself, just change it up. Lovingly nurture yourself and tell yourself that everything is fine, that all is well. Oddly, somewhere along the way, we became our worst critic. The bullies are gone, the family of origin barrage is gone, the ex-girlfriend/boyfriends are gone...it is just us, criticizing us.

When we give our power back over to ourselves, then we can make some real changes happen in how we talk to ourselves. When we realize that we make our own sunshine, and that not even WE can break ourselves....well, then it is a First Day To Begin Talking Nice to Ourselves. Being so hard on ourselves does not produce better results next time. Talking negatively to ourselves does not increase our success. 

Only positive and loving self talk can open up our days to the flow of reality that we want and need in our lives.

May Today be a First Day To Begin Talking Nice to Ourselves so that we may know the most powerful and long lasting love of all....Self Love.

How Do I Change My Story?

What if we don't like our story? What if we are living a life that is uncomfortable, unhappy, or dishonest to ourselves or others? Can we just change? What are we changing? Changing circumstances? Ourselves? The world outside of us?

What does it even mean to say that we are living a "life" that is not us, or right for us, or the wrong life?

The first order of business is to use the wonderful strategy of a brilliant woman, Byron Katie. Check in first to see if you have a belief that there is either something wrong with you, or wrong with your life. Take these beliefs through The Work; http://www.thework.com/index.php

Often times it truly is our limited perspective. Our belief that there is something wrong with our life can cause us discomfort and pain. If we believe that there is something wrong with ourselves then that certainly can make us so upset that we try to escape our emotional reaction. If this is our situation then it doesn't matter what circumstances we change. If we have seed beliefs that there is something wrong with us or something wrong with our lives, then no matter what we do to make changes, we will always come back to feeling that way. We must change the beliefs about the wrongness of things first. Then we will be able to make changes without an underlying undermining of our changes.

"The other night I had a crazy dream
'Bout a man in a fishing hat selling magazines
All the way from Kingston he'd worked his way down
I bought him a drink on the night they kicked him out of town
He said, "You know I don't like the way I am."
"No, I don't like the way I am."
And I saw an old fisherman out swayin' on a dock
Swigging a jug of something and a string of fish that he had caught
His wife had left him just a week before
She packed up her bags and waltzed on out the door
She said, "You know I don't like the way I am."
"No, I don't like the way I am."
And then she cried
And you and me walked down the shores of our youth
Chasing the sunrise, challenging the truth
It's all so distant now I've seen too many lies
Turning my vision into crumbling demise
Makes me wanna say
You know I don't like the way I am
No, I don't like the way I am
But I'm gonna change the way I am
I'm gonna change the way I am"

“Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself.”
― Leo Tolstoy

So, now you have decided that, after all the changing of yourself, and the awareness of self, that you do, in fact, wish to change your story.  There are many reasons to change your story and changing your story is important. The story of who you think you are, and especially who you think you can become, can be easily tampered with.  Someone might believe that he cannot ever truly succeed because he doesn't have a college degree. This person can go out into the world (or go online!) and find a college degree program that will match his needs.

There are tangible ways to change our life story. However, sometimes it is very difficult to change our life story because of a past trauma that is REALLY velcro-ed onto and into our psyche.

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder can come from war, being abused, living with a mentally ill parent, and other experiences. It might seem impossible to change those stories, and the life that we are in that manifested from the energy of those stories. It is not impossible. We can become unattached to the memories of the past and release ourselves, like completely cleaning off the hard drive of a computer. This can be seem odd and feel uncomfortable as our reference points will go away from us. We often note who we are based on reference points. Reference points allow our very important ego to do its very important job of keeping us on the planet. If we release even one reference point to our ego's identity, it can be extremely painful and confusing.

Most of us have experienced the breakup of a significant relationship, or the loss of a job, or home. These events can truly cause disorientation of our story. This is can be a good thing because sticking to a story about ourselves and our life, no matter what, can cause us stagnation, loss of potential, and depression.

“Some changes look negative on the surface but you will soon realize that space is being created in your life for something new to emerge.”
― Eckhart Tolle

How do we change our story? Well, sometimes our story is changed for us such as the death of someone we love. The impact of these kind of changes can be wonderful if we allow the story change to unfold.  We also can change our own story by choosing a different one.

Back in 1994 I decided to take a year long certification program in Polarity Therapy. To do this program I had to get off of Nantucket Island, where I was living at the time, and drive to Concord, New Hampshire. There were no cell phones back then, I had only been doing minimal driving on a small island for ten years prior, and I had two children who I was worried about leaving. My story was that I was incredibly scared to drive on the mainland for each weekend training.

I was telling my very good friend, Sandy, about the program and the off island requirements. Her face lit up. "I LOVE driving alone off island! You are so lucky!" she exclaimed with envy.

I thought she was nuts. I listened more and more to her descriptions of how great it is to be alone driving off island. I felt panic, fear, and dread in my body. She felt exhilaration, self alignment, and pure joy thinking about the opportunity. Wow, was I ever in the catbird's seat as she saw it. As I saw it, I was a bird in a seat alright, but it was surrounded by menacing cats!!

“The world as we have created it is a process of our thinking. It cannot be changed without changing our thinking.”
― Albert Einstein

I decided that I would rather make the drives with Sandy's thinking than my own. If I was Sandy, I concluded, then I would look forward to these drives as being the best opportunities in life! That sentiment sure would make the week before the trip and the trip itself alot more emotionally tolerable! With that clear bit of logic, I made the commitment to act as if I was Sandy, pretending that I was thrilled and eagerly driving on the evil-lurking-every-five miles highway route.

The first trip I got into my car and said out loud, "Here I am. I am Sandy and I LOOOOOOVE driving for hours alone." I then proceeded to quote all her reasons for loving it. Along the way there were moments where my old story kicked in and I would think, "My God, if my car turned over and fell down that ditch, no one would ever find me. " or "If I get a flat right now this is a perfect

place for a creepy guy to stop and then force me into the woods!". As soon as I caught myself with my old programming, I would pull in good old Sandy programming and start singing some made up song about how I love to drive alone, laaadeedaaadeeedahhhhh....

 I am not sure which weekend it happened, but soon I was actually singing all on my own. I was happy driving alone off island! I looked forward to my driving adventure to New Hampshire! It no longer was me pretending to be Sandy, Aileen now had a new story. Aileen liked driving on the mainland alone for a few hours. In fact, there were times when I was downright digging it!

“No matter who you are, no matter what you did, no matter where you've come from, you can always change, become a better version of yourself.”
― Madonna

I have to thank a wonderful woman, Pat Toalson. In the late 80s Pat and I were talking about some pretty serious stuff in my life. She gave me permission and encouragement to just live my life. She told me that I didn't have to spend all my time digging through my past to find things out about why I did things. She told me that I didn't have to dredge it all up, over and over again, before I could enjoy my life today. She said to me, "Aileen, if something is suppose to come up for you to remember and deal with, it will on its own. You don't have to go looking. In the meantime, if you don't like the way you are doing something, then just do it differently. Just wake up, and make a conscious effort to do it differently today."

May today be a First Day to Begin a new story about who we are, if we are unhappy and uncomfortable. May today be a First Day to Begin to understand that we can have a new story  about who we are and what happens to us. We can make a choice to release attachments, erase our hard drive, and load on some new software, software of our choosing. Everyone of us can "lay new pipes" and change our story, today. 

May we all celebrate and experience peace knowing that today is a First Day to Begin to change our story!

 

Gotta Have Faith...

I wonder what it says about me that the first thing I thought of when I decided to write about faith was this song by George Michael. I shall choose to think it means that I am super cool AND I actually understand the definition of Faith. OR, I just love 80s music. Either way....

The best line of this song is "Before this river, comes an ocean." Now, I can't be sure of what George Michael meant by that line as I often am caught off guard by lyrics, however it absolutely addresses the key points of Faith. 

The word Faith has been taken and held hostage by the religious institutions. The idea, positive nature, and wonderful energy of "Faith" has been corrupted for many people. It also has lead some people into a state of disempowerment, as well as actually offering emotional and psyche sustenance for people in difficult times. 

Faith is the ability to use our thinking to traverse an imagined pathway beyond what it right in front of us. It is knowing that before this river that we are now facing, there is an ocean. The ocean is possibilities, options, abundance, and something bigger.

"Faith is believing when it is beyond the power of reason to believe."

- Voltaire

As someone who loves energy and the secure fact that energy exists with all of its fabulous principles, I easily and readily have Faith. There is no reason NOT to have Faith. Faith is simply knowing that everything moves. Everything changes. We can have absolute Faith that all is in constant motion. When we believe that things are stagnant, then we begin to feel hopeless and fall prey to the illusion that things are what they are now and forever more. Life and its "circumstances" are always changing.  

"Faith is not complacent; faith is action. You don’t have faith and wait. When you have faith, you move."

- Betty Eadie

 Dr. Emoto has done several studies on water and the effects of vibrations from thoughts, and the emotions emitted from those thoughts, on water. Over the years and in several different locations, Dr. Emoto froze water and photographed the shapes of the crystals. He then surrounded the water in varied environments and introduced thoughts and emotions such as hatred, love, gratitude, fear, and others to the water. His discovery was that the water that was the object of positive thoughts and emotions, such as love, produced beautiful well formed snowflake crystals. Even water that had been distorted by environmental pollution or negative thought and feeling pollution changed its shape from unformed and blob-like to crystal and snowflake like.

Dr. Emoto's studies, and subsequent research by others, offers Faith in the ability of changing thoughts and emotions to affect a new tangible shape.

Faith is knowing that change is inevitable. Deep Faith is knowing that it is quite possible that YOU have a part in directing the thoughts and emotions that designate the direction of change. 

Religious Faith simply means that people consume and integrate a direction that is given to them from others and that they focus on that direction, those words, and the outcome assured when their Faith is strong. Religious Faith gives a structure and vision to the ocean that is beyond the river. It is Faith wearing a particular garment. 

“Faithless is he that says farewell when the road darkens.”
― J.R.R. Tolkien, The Fellowship of the Ring

May today be a First Day to Begin having Faith in the truth of change. May we sigh relief and smile with exuberance knowing that beyond this little river, as rushing and strong a current as it may have, there is a big vast ocean. May today be a First Day to Begin building a strong relationship to all the oceans that are perpetually available to us. Get up, dance throughout your day, and feel the joy of FAITH as the next moment brings change, flow, and beauty. The ocean beyond this river is there. We just Gotta Have Faith...

An Attitude of Gratitude

Sometimes drumming up an attitude of gratitude can be difficult. Perhaps we think we have to feel really fabulous about everything. Maybe we are worried that if we find some gratitude that it excuses or takes away the importance of the things that we don't like or that do upset us.

Over the years I have found that an attitude of gratitude is something that I do for myself.  I want to feel happy while I am walking along this great adventure.  I want my days and nights to be filled with robust spontaneous smiles that show up across my face because I just fell in love with the world again...and again...and again.

One can read plenty of articles about gratitude. There are lots of videos on YouTube also. Yet I found that a big piece of these gratitude focused pieces deal with outcomes from gratitude, as in Law of Attraction and being accepted and liked more. These don't resonate for me. I don't want to "do" an attitude of gratitude. I want gratitude to be a vibration that radiates within me for the relief and joy that comes from experiencing the blessings that life offers me everyday.

An attitude of gratitude is a way to powerfully stay in the moment. In that moment one chooses to experience awe, wonder, hope, joy, and the raw, innocent intrigue that shakes us from projections into the future and suffering from the past.

Perhaps we can define gratitude as: That Which is Beautiful in This Very Moment.

The moment of this picture to the left was an incredible moment. This was from a summer party two years ago. At the party, my neighborhood buddies were all present. This has not happened in many, many years. I was so happy and so grateful at this party because these five men were the most important people in my life for many years growing up. We played soccer, baseball, football, kick the can, and many other childhood games together in the "field" in our neighborhood. I learned about myself and the wonder of consistent human friendships through my relationships with them as a group and as individuals.

When this picture was taken I was going through some major changes in my life. I was back at school and dealing with some serious empty nest syndrome. Here at this party, in the circle of these old friends, my gratitude was bursting. I was thrilled to have us all together at this party. Even reminiscing on the party and this picture I feel a surge of gratitude.This energy vibration flowing through my body heals my cells.

My daughters' good high school friend, Jack, is an Army Ranger and has had several trips to Afghanistan. This obviously started bringing some nervous, anxious, and projected sad thinking and energy into my body. I had a picture that Jack drew of me and him right after their high school graduation and I chose to put it on my refrigerator door. Every time I look at that picture I smile and have such gratitude for it and for the graduation party that he drew it to represent.

Last year his mother asked people to take their picture with a picture of Jack so she could send him a collection of us all to him overseas. I picked up the picture at their house and brought him with me to Nantucket, where both my daughters live. I laughed so hard bringing "Jack" to all sorts of places and I was overwhelmed with gratitude

as person after person happily agreed to hold the picture in all sorts of places. One night Meghan and I had Jack's picture to ourselves. Meggo (Jack's nickname for Meghan) made Jack a night cap, fed him popcorn, and shared soda and a movie with him. We tucked him in at night with such joy, laughter, and gratitude for the opportunity to be a part of this loving birthday surprise.

My gratitude for Jack in our lives resonates wonderful, happy, hopeful, and positive energy. THIS is how I want to experience my life, especially in response to the potential perception of something that could result in the opposite. My best hope for supporting Jack is by enveloping him in gratitude energy, not fear energy. I do the best for myself and for others when I am grateful. The radiance of gratitude is contagious!

Last fall two of my favorite high school friends and I went to a Cheap Trick concert at Hampton Beach in New Hampshire. We are all busy with our lives which involve single motherhood, divorce, intense healing issues, college essays, debt, and the usual highs and lows of living as an adult. We took time to be together, and to laugh as hard, if not harder, than we did back in the 70s and 80s when we first heard Cheap Trick and hung at at Hampton Beach.  I also put this picture on my refrigerator door to remind me of the resiliency of life, the ability to find joy, and the insane laughter that is possible for us humans on this planet.  

I love these women! I love that when we get together, no matter what is happening in our lives, we completely lose it for the entire time we are together. We know each other so well that we never miss an opportunity to pull a comment or an action that any of us do out into the forefront and turn it into a comedy routine. We never were the kind of friends that focused on the drama. We are present for each other, we listen to our life experiences, however we stay in our choice to have adventures of hi-jinx and fun together.

Life will serve us challenging moments and times when we get through by the skin of our teeth. Even during the most desperate moments, there is opportunity for gratitude; gratitude that we made it through, gratitude that we worked together with others, gratitude that we grew our competency muscles, and gratitude for the opportunity to experience life.

Caitlin is a yoga instructor on Nantucket who has been in an intense healing period for the past eight months. Here is her recent Face Book Post:
"This is the day I turn 37. Eight months ago I wasn't sure I'd see this day, so it feels like a big accomplishment. I certainly never thought I'd be celebrating this moment of my life in Morocco with (my yoga colleagues) . Today and every day, I am grateful for all the incredible generous support I've been extended by my family and friends on Nantucket and afar, by my yoga community and teachers, by my doctors and infusion nurses, by my sweet little boy and from my inspiring partner. Life is what we make it. Let us choose wisely, let us choose to be happy, let us choose to love big, to love steadfastly, and to stay open to the teachings in every challenge. Let us all choose grace."

I am grateful for Caitlin and her sharing of her very personal journey. I choose to focus on that which raises my vibration, which in turn offers to her, and to the world, the best me...the best I can resonate...the highest loving Spirit possible. 

May today be a First Day to Begin to love and adore the mundane. May we look at every person, every object, every experience in gratitude. May today be a First Day to Begin to prioritize our perspective to be one of Gratitude so soon enough, we default to an Attitude of Gratitude by which to experience and engage in life. There is nothing like it. 

 

The Sham I Am

I am not sure when I first heard the phrase, The Sham I Am. It may have been in the rooms of 12 Step Recovery Programs. Over the years I have heard many people share with me their fears that, "Today", as a good friend expressed to me, "they will find out what a fraud I am."

I am not sure if I have ever felt Imposter Syndrome as I have always done jobs that I felt fairly competent about succeeding at doing. I did gracefully brush past the truth during a hiring interview with the office manager at Nantucket Electric Company back in the late 80s. He asked me if I was comfortable working with computers. As I had never worked with a computer before, I suppose I justified my uncommitted nodding because, well, I didn't know if I was comfortable or not. I was slightly panicked the first day of work however, within in a short span of time, I became very comfortable with the computer. This was not Imposter Syndrome as much as it was fudging the truth, a smidge, to get a job.

Another time I can remember feeling anxious about a job I was doing was when my supervisor at a nursing home in which I worked was acting odd around me. She began to act nervously and then asked me to stop in on my day off. I felt insecure in my job because of it, and projected that I was going to be fired. Perhaps this was close to Imposter Syndrome but I think it was more "I Always Seem To Get In Trouble" syndrome. We met in a hallway when I "stopped in", and then she asked me to follow her. She was nervous and walked quickly. We arrived at a door in another part of the building. She opened it and we walked in. In front of me was a table filled with people, two of whom I recognized as the CEO and the head of Human Resources. I instantly thought, "They called all these people in to fire me?!"

Of course I was not being fired. I stepped in to a marketing and reward based program for employees. I was the first recipient of the Employee of the Quarter award. I received a plaque, one hundred dollars, my name starting off a community plaque, and my picture with the CEO taken and posted in the local papers.

Over the years I have been surprised at the amount of people who worry almost daily that they will be "found"out. Imposter Syndrome is a real issue; http://www.iupui.edu/~upngo/documents/UpnGo_IS%20Dr%20Gibau.pdf

It is so very important that each of us understands the energetic truth that all things are neutral energy. Every plant, every car, every bird, and every human is made of a flowing energetic pattern that has no value of good or bad, no judgements of positive or negative, and no less than or better than qualities.

ALL judgements come from a subjective perspective. And guess what? YOU are the subjective perspective that designates the values, the judgements, and the relationships between you and others.

All people look at an object or an experience and place a judgement upon it. These judgements absolutely come from our conditioned viewpoint on the matter. I remember a Buddhist story that I read somewhere many years ago. (My apologies to the author as I do not recall the details, just the tremendously helpful nature of the story).

A young prince received a beautiful white horse for his birthday. The village was so excited because this horse was a good gift. Then one day the Prince fell off the horse. The village was so sad because the Prince got hurt, and the horse was then a bad gift. Shortly after the Prince was injured, the village went in to battle. The Prince could not go to war because of his injury. The village was elated and this horse was a good gift. Not too long into the war, the village soldiers were decimated. The village was in great mourning. Had the Prince gone off to battle the outcome was sure to have been different as he was a great leader and warrior. The horse was then a bad gift. And on and on the story goes with each reaction to an event or experience of the Prince's determining the every changing good and bad judgements of the horse as a good gift or a bad gift. One moment we can see ourselves as good and positive in this world and the next, by our own judgement and projections, we can see ourselves as bad and negative in the world.

“Real freedom is freedom from the opinions of others. Above all, freedom from your opinions about yourself.”
― Brennan Manning, The Wisdom of Tenderness: What Happens When God's Fierce Mercy Transforms Our Lives

No one is a SHAM or an IMPOSTER unless they choose to be one. In that case, having feelings of being discovered or caught is absolutely appropriate. It is when we fear that our existence in a company or community is unworthy, that we are filled with dread about ourselves. It can be difficult to believe what others are telling us about a job well done. We can pass that compliment on to other reasons such as we were just lucky that time, or dismiss it because the person who said it really feels sorry for us or is just being nice.

“Lord, when I feel that what I'm doing is insignificant and unimportant, help me to remember that everything I do is significant and important in your eyes, because you love me and you put me here, and no one else can do what I am doing in exactly the way I do it.”
― Brennan Manning, Souvenirs of Solitude: Finding Rest in Abba's Embrace

When we degrade ourselves, we add the energy of "degrading" into the mix of the human collective consciousness.  Take a moment to feel the imposter feeling you sometimes have inside you. Really sit in that Sham I Am fear. Now think for just a moment about whether you want to contribute that energy into the mix of human feelings. Do you want your children to feel that way about themselves? How about that sweet group of second graders at the school where you teach? Do you want the young college graduates to walk out into their young adult world and have access to those feelings of low self esteem? 

All of life is about energy. What energetic vibrations we choose to create and perpetuate in the world move beyond just ourselves and reach far out into the larger humanity. If you want others to feel good, confident, and know their own value and worth being just who they are, then YOU must feel good, confident, and know your own value and worth being just who you are. 

Let today be A First Day to Begin your absolute intention to be as objective about yourself as possible.  To be what and who you are, knowing it is at least neutral if not wonderful.

May we all move past our false beliefs and our uncomfortable justifications that self label us as Shams and Imposters. May we trust those around us who give us honest feedback by hiring us, paying us, giving us good reviews, applauding us, sending us thank you cards, complimenting our craft, awarding us, and so much more.

Yes, Today IS a First Day to Begin to start feeling, knowing, and enjoying the respect, honor, and awe that people rightfully bestow on us. Thumbs up everybody!

 

The Ever Non-Efficient Assumptions

“Assumptions are dangerous things to make, and like all dangerous things to make -- bombs, for instance, or strawberry shortcake -- if you make even the tiniest mistake you can find yourself in terrible trouble. Making assumptions simply means believing things are a certain way with little or no evidence that shows you are correct, and you can see at once how this can lead to terrible trouble. For instance, one morning you might wake up and make the assumption that your bed was in the same place that it always was, even though you would have no real evidence that this was so. But when you got out of your bed, you might discover that it had floated out to sea, and now you would be in terrible trouble all because of the incorrect assumption that you'd made. You can see that it is better not to make too many assumptions, particularly in the morning.”
― Lemony Snicket, The Austere Academy 

Just today I experienced an interesting production of "Assumptions". My son, Dana, and I went to the local country store to browse about and get a refill on the vinegar that they sell out of a big tin. After three unsuccessful intentional walks about the store to find the tin, I walked to the counter to ask if they still carried it. I had the original bottle in my hand, and having refilled the bottle for several years at this country store, I was ready for the usual experience. The bottle that I had was one that I first bought the vinegar in many years ago in Maine. The country store employee always informs me that my bottle is bigger than their bottle and therefore I must pay double the refill price to get my bottle filled to the top. This is how I expected the interaction to go, as it always did.

I approached the counter as my son pointed out the tin, which is located next to a bigger olive oil tin. Both tins are identical in color, shape, and label. The distinguishing differences being the vinegar tin is smaller and has grapes on the label whereas the oil tin has olives on the label. The woman at the counter asked if she could help me. "Yes", I responded, "I would like a refill of the balsamic vinegar" as I pointed to the tin.  And off she went.

As she returned to the counter to the register I noticed the bottle looked greenish and oily. "Excuse me", I spoke up, "I asked for vinegar."

What ensued was the most assumption laden experience of my life. She began by telling me over and over again that my glass bottle was more like one that should be used for oil. She actually was blaming the bottle, which had a label that exactly matched the balsamic vinegar label on the tin, for her error in not listening to me. She had taken my bottle, and based on some information in her head and experience, ignored what I actually asked for as well as the actual label on the bottle.

She then called over a woman that I believe was a manager and said, "If you saw this bottle, what would you put in it?" The other woman didn't answer at first, so the first woman asked again, "So, when you look at this bottle, and you were refilling it, what would you refill it with?" The second woman answered, "Oil." The first woman was justified.

My son and I stood almost opened mouthed as the women continued to talk about what they assumed as opposed to talking to me.

"Well, this bottle now has oil in it. I don't know how I can wash it out."
"You could not have gotten this refilled here."
"You got a great deal on this every time when you got this refilled."
"What can we do with this oil?"
"Just give her one little vinegar bottle because that is our refill size."

Even as I attempted to get into the conversation about my purchase, they continued to not listen to me. I tried to explain that I knew my bottle was exactly double the size of their refillable bottles and so I always happily pay twice the amount listed on the tin. In fact, I think I said that four times to no avail. My son and I watched as two women were indignant that I expected to pay only the price for a small refill for a refill of my big bottle, which they insisted I could never use there, and should never have used there, and actually, how could I really have ever gotten vinegar there with that bottle, and what a great deal did I got if I did.

Watching them was almost painful as they went around and around, insisting that there was no resolution to my ignorance. Finally they decided that they would take my big bottle filled with oil, trying also to take my pouring spout that was in it. They would give me two small bottles of vinegar. They would give me a great deal and instead of charging me $11.99 for each new bottle or $8.99 for each bottle treating it as a refill, they would take my well loved bottle and spout, and charge me $16.00, giving me a $2.00 deal.

Their assumptions did not end with me explaining yet again, that I fully expected to pay $17.98 to get my large bottle refilled. The second woman started to walk away with my now old bottle and spout when I spoke up, "That is my pouring spout and I would like it." She looked at me and replied, "That won't fit those bottles." My son, who had been patiently waiting alongside me throughout this debacle spoke up, "Actually, that will fit no problem." Unimpressed, the employee walked back towards us, took off the cap, and held the spout over the opening. "The vinegar will leak out if I try to put this in..." she snapped. Dana calmly responded, "It fits. Stoppers and pouring spout sizes have been standardized to fit."

Once in the car, we had to rest for a moment. The confusion and swirling energy of the insanity was almost too much for us. "They made that way too difficult," Dana finally spoke, "They were STRUGGLIN'!"

My son and I spent over ten minutes in this tormented assumption hell. I certainly spent time reflecting on the times when I assumed something. I wondered if I ever behaved this same way as the store employees.  In spite of someone trying to tell me differently, had I ever insisted on being attached to my assumptions, even if there were details and data to back up their point.

It was really clear in today's episode that is it such a waste of time ,energy, and good feelings when one is adamantly assuming.

“If others tell us something we make assumptions, and if they don't tell us something we make assumptions to fulfill our need to know and to replace the need to communicate. Even if we hear something and we don't understand we make assumptions about what it means and then believe the assumptions. We make all sorts of assumptions because we don't have the courage to ask questions.”
― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom

“Every time we make assumptions about what other people feel, do or think, we imprison them and us in a separate reality. When we believe in those assumptions and act accordingly, this separate reality becomes an existential torture chamber for them and ultimately for us. All the terror and pain that we experience or see in the world is the result of our assumptions. Assumptions are the greatest crime in human consciousness. Hence let's start to create an assumption-free world.”
― Franco Santoro  

Today is a first day to begin observing assumptions in yourself and others. Take note when you get caught saying to yourself, "Hey, I wouldn't have expected that..." or "I would have never guessed..." Notice when you give push back to other people's words, opinions, and perspectives. Also be open to your own assumptions about yourself, "I could never do that..." or "They would never accept me.."

Being caught in assuming doesn't have to be shaming, as we all do it. 

*

May today be A First Day to Begin releasing yourself and others from assumptions...or at least enjoy laughing about the assumptions you make.

* The Assumption Song was posted on YouTube 5 years ago and at the time of this blog's posting had 25, 761, 748 views.

Revealing and Living The "True Colors" of Being Authentic....

AHHHH!!!! DO WE HAVE TO?!

Hmmm...True Colors. I think I understand what Phil is singing about here. Yes, TRUE COLORS, as in who are we in our deepest Spirit Brilliance but even more than that, who are we in our Human Ego Perfect Imperfection. We may be able to end a yoga class (in which we have little to no interaction with anyone) and "Namaste"* the heck out of everyone. *The Light In Me Sees/Honors the Light In You. We can honor and see these people in a quiet well conducted YOGA class because we expect we know what the class will be doing, what people will be doing, how they will be dressed, the behavior of the participants, and the give and take expectations. I suppose people could have some "True Colors" bursting out based on their clothing choice, and variations in yoga movements. Their OWN True Colors may come forth to them during this great process, however we usually don't have a well rounded experience of these people by which to test out an authentic relationship during YOGA. As in many circumstances, there is a code, spoken or unspoken, which a group abides by and people are either rewarded or punished based on their ability to first pick up on any community code of behavior, second to understand this code, third to decipher the hierarchy of the community, fourth to execute said code so that the leaders of the community approve and include us in the community. 

We find ourselves in communities by default, but also by choice. A community can be established as a religious institution, a sports team, an educational pedagogy, or a social movement.

This year for my birthday, my daughter made a hilarious book for me filled with stories about me. This page displayed here one of my favorites because it completely displays my authenticity.

This page is listed under Chapter 2; "All the Things Our Mom Broke When We Were Little."

The background context from which this is written is that "Rats Have Rights" is one of the first bumper stickers that I ever put on my car as well as it was a pin that I wore on my jacket or on my hippie purse. I have been a vegetarian and then a vegan for over twenty years and I absolutely love animals.  I stop in the middle of traffic (safely) to escort snapping turtles across the road, and one of my "greatest ideas" was to have a small animal euthanasia kit in my car so that when I came across a dying animal on the road, I could humanely ease its suffering (don't worry, like many of my "greatest ideas", this one never came into fruition either as I suspect it is highly illegal).  

Last spring during a dark night, a car in front of my daughter's car hit a feral cat on Nantucket and sped off, leaving the suffering animal in the road. We immediately stopped and I jumped out, easing this huge gorgeous tiger of a creature into my warm arms for the drive to the animal hospital. I fell in love with him instantly and cried when I called the next day when I found out that he had died after a courageous night of reviving himself. 

People know me as this person that I just crafted that animal loving paragraph about....and I am. I have been known to feed the mice around the homestead and will only use the traps that capture the mice safely and with a hearty snack. Then I drive five thousand miles away to release them in some house mice reservation.

AND....guess what? As beautifully illustrated in daughter Alli's book, I took a stick and clubbed a rat once! There were rats knawing in the walls of the house. Every night I heard them, and I imagined that during one of those nights, one of those football sized monsters was going to take his last big chomp, propel himself out into Baby Alli's room, and start eating her. 

THAT is when another of my True Colors came out! As Alli so perfectly put in a word bubble for me on this page in the book, " My name is Aileen McConnell. You threatened my daughter. Prepare to die."

I laughed so hard when I came to that page in the book about me. Alli nailed the beauty of complete, real, raw, complex, human authenticity.

Today reveal all to yourself about your own True Colors of Being Authentic.  Look around at when and where you skimp on being authentic because it doesn't match what you project, or even know pretty surely, is the code of community. Check out your fears about not being accepted if you show your True Colors of Authenticity. 

How have you attached to a persona or story about yourself that is not true in its whole nature or perhaps isn't true anymore at all? When do you hold back your participation and engagement in life because you devalue your True Colors of Authenticity?

Today is a first day to get out there in your FULL TRUE COLORS of BEING AUTHENTIC and let it rip!! ROCK IT and ENJOY!!! REVEAL IT, LIVE IT, and SEE HOW MUCH FUN YOU TRULY HAVE!

 

Today let it be the first day to begin to smile, laugh, and be totally cool with the True Colors of Being Authentic.